Summer of '69

So it was a fine sunny day. As children we used to play out in the gardens next to our home on such fine days. Those days there were no air conditioners to keep our homes cool throughout the day. In summers we used to feel hot and in winters we felt the cold. When it poured, the roads got flooded and that day was the best of the week, as we got a holiday from school and got to swim in the waist high waters.

Now things are a bit different. Playing in the sun gives us dehydration and dark spots. Floods interfere with our schedules. Basically the weather needs to meet our expectations and should not be a source of inconvenience. Never mind the fact that it is common knowledge that weather is always erratic and difficult to predict, especially as you get in the tropics and closer to the equator, but what the hell, since we are now in the iAge whether supply precedes our demands, how can we have any inconvenience from this thing called “Climate”.

Informed experts say that the weather now has become erratic. Just then, there was a huge volcano blast somewhere in Iceland inconveniencing perhaps the whole of Europe and anyone passing by. This is really crazy. That volcano was supposed to be dormant. And there wasn’t any dormant volcano which had blasted since I was born. Are they supposed to do that? Or is it because of Global Warming.

I do lose my line of thought now-a-days. Maybe it’s the heat. Anyway, everyone is concerned about GW. Let’s call it GW. Anything with a G* sounds very important. The developed nations want to do something about it. They are forcing the developing nations to do something about it. All the people in power, basically people who have money, want to do something about it. The best thing to do is to have a meeting and discuss about the possible solution. So a meeting was held on a boat. It was decided that boat should not be docked but should be sailing in the water. Off the Florida coast seems good enough. I happened to be on the boat. The story about I got to be there is for a later time. Unfortunately, I could not take my phone and camera. So, I couldn’t get you a video. But I can repeat what the powerful men had to say.

There were too many of them. Let me make it easy for you and me. Let us group all heads of state as one. We will call that group the Leaders of the Free World (LFW). LFW doesn’t only stand for London Fashion Week. Then we had an Economist, a Military Strategist and the Head of the World Reserve Bank. Finally we had a Scientist. We got to have a Scientist. Don’t you get it; GW has something to do with Science.

So that is where I started writing. It was a fine sunny day. I got lost in my thoughts again. It does happen a lot with this heat. But now I’m back where I started. It was a fine sunny day. The boat started sailing. The guys had a good breakfast. I didn’t like any of it. You see, I am from India. I shifted here to study and then got this job. So I prefer Idli in the morning. It’s light on the stomach. They had some 27 types of breads and so many different fruit juices. And I never went to the other side where they had a lot of non-vegetarian food. Sorry, I got lost again. After the breakfast we got in the conference room. Here starts the conference. I did promise to tell you what happened.

Me: Good Morning, brothers and sisters. (There were some at the table who starred at me when I said ‘sisters’. I bet those pretty stewardesses were not exactly their sisters.)

Me: Let me welcome the LFW. May I respectfully ask one of them to start this conference.

LFW: The last few years have been very very difficult for our people. Never before has any species had such a difficult time on our planet before.

Me: But sir, the Dinosaurs went extinct 60 million years back.

LFW: Rubbish boy, Steve is going to get them back. He is already in talks with that guy from India for his new movie. Don’t interrupt me again. We have gathered here to prevent our planet from GW. We have to find some solutions quickly. Never before has the earth faced so serious a problem. The scale is unprecedented. We need to outline points today so that we can save our planet. The destiny of our planet is now in our hands. Com’on boy, list out. What’s first on the agenda?

Me: Sir, the ma... (interrupted)

LFW: You guys. Don’t sit on that side of the table. I got a terrible sprain in my neck. You all move to the right side. I cannot move Left. Continue son.

Me: Sir, the main reason why we are so much of a burden to the planet is that because we are so many. At last count we were 9 billion people. In the history of 4.5 billion years of our planet, the planet has never had to handle such a burden.

Economist: That incorrect. We are just 7 billion people.

Me: Sir, That’s official. But if you would come to my country and the neighbouring one above me and also see the African nations, then the actual count will be around 9 billion. It pretty much like your unemployment rate. Understated by about 25%.

LFW: So does that mean that we are growing at the rate of 2 billion people every billion years?

Me: No sir. The first Homo, that is, the Hominids family came about 4 million years ago. (I don’t know why, but everyone started blushing at that time).

LFW: So, it’s about 2 billion people every million years.

Me: No sir, these Homos’ is not us people. Our first ancestors were the Homosapiens which came about less than half a million year ago.

LFW: So, it’s about 2 billion people every hundred thousand years.

Me: Sir, you could say so. But you see there is something called exponential growth. It’s a mathematical term. Basically, until the beginning of this Inter-glacial era there were less than 10 million people and until the beginning of this just concluded Age of the Pisces there were less than half a billion people in this world.

LFW: Boy, you are a very confused person. We are talking about people and you have got mathematics and geology and sun signs into all this. If I really understood all this I would not be in politics.

Me: Sorry sir, the last inter-glacial age started at around 10000 BC. And... (interrupted)

Economist: Like the movie 10000 BC.

Me: Sir, just the name matched.

BankHead: And why the Sun signs. How does it matter which month I was born?

Me: Briefly sir, the earth does not move exactly round its axis. Its motion is more like a spinning top. I know a lot about spinning tops. When I was a young boy this was my favourite sport. I never had an Xbox. Sorry, I got lost again. So the earth moves like a top. Round and wobbling. Just like the equator runs through the centre, we have an ecliptical plane which is at a tilt, like the top. So every 2100 years the equinoxes (Vernal and Autumnal) change their corresponding constellation. Since about 200 BCE/200 CE till 2000/2400 CE we were in the Age of the Pisces (Virgo for Autumnal Equinoxes). You may have heard of the Mayan Calendar ending in 2012. Now any moment (relatively) we are going to start the Age of the Aquarius. So, coming back to our point, at about 100 BCE, just before Christ was born we were about less than half a billion people and now we are almost 9 billion. In the next 2100 years by the time the next Age ends we might really have about 200 billion people (200,000,000,000 people). Actually I am speaking quite conservatively sir. Maybe we could reach a trillion people.

BankHead: That is still too slow, if you really compare to the money I am printing my son. Just too bloody slow. It’s just typical of the developing countries. They are just too slow.

LFW: So will we now have to print more money to save this planet?

Me: No sir. The real point here is that we need to control our population growth sir. Immediately, sir. Maybe a one child policy would be correct. And, if any one chooses not to have children then we can give them a tax exemption for life. Maybe if we do this right away, then in the next 100 years we might just reach equilibrium where we will not have any growth.

Economist: What do you mean no Growth? How can we have no Growth?

Me: And after that we can aim at reducing the population, that is, if the planet gives us a second chance sir.

BankHead: Did you say negative growth? Son, do you know what deflation means? The earth will come crashing down.

LFW: Son, there must be another way out.

Me: Either that or we might have to wait for the planet to take care of itself. Maybe natural catastrophes which will wipe out millions of people at one go. And we must hope that these are repeated very often.

LFW: What are you talking about son? You there, science man. Why aren’t you saying something? I have got you on board to make some suggestions.

Scientist: Sir, but I am a physicist sir. I am trying to make the God particle. I do not know anything about GW.

LFW: What do you mean? Haven’t you studied science? Are we not talking about science?

Scientist: Sir, there are many forms of sciences.

LFW: Just give me another solution. I am the LFW. I don’t want to hear a NO.

Me: Sir, in order to reduce the carbon footprint, we should stop cross border trades, especially for luxury items. Intercountry trade contributes to the largest percentage in carbon footprints.

Economist: This is utter rubbish. We need to make things economically. The strongest will survive. We need Mergers and Acquisitions. Investment Banking is the key to today’s world.

Me: Sir, don’t get me wrong. Most of items being imported in the developing countries are for the urban rich whereas, the rural poor have to bear the brunt of their luxuries. How does it matter if the rich do not get to eat a Kiwi in India? Besides, the clothes you wear are made of American cotton, but this cotton was imported by Pakistan to spin yarn and woven in India and stitched in Vietnam before coming into your stores in New York. Wouldn’t it be better to have all the processes there itself. Maybe it would be a tad expensive but look at the saving in carbon footprint. So, no cross border trades, except absolute necessities like food grains or energy requirements for those in need of relief.

Military Strategist: Can we export arms and ammunitions or will that add to the footprint?

BankHead: Let’s give a credit to someone who saves the chemical footprint.

Me: Sir, Carbon footprint.

Bankhead: Yes exactly. We can call these the Carbon Credits. And we can trade in them. Cross border trading in Carbon credits will not add to Carbon footprints, will it?

Military Strategist: But we need to export security. Free will has to be protected. We need to fight for Rights.

Me: Sir, Right to Live and Right to Eat are the foremost rights. We need to ensure that all people are treated equally (walking to the Left to drink some water)

LFW: Son, come to the right. You know, I can’t look Left. Stop all these jargons. Science, mathematics, exponential!! Just tell me when the Oxygen is going to get over.

Me: Not really. The Oxygen is not getting over. Sir, you see, the earth has had 21% Oxygen for tens of millions of years. If you must attach a value for the change, then the level of oxygen has changed by 0.001%. And, that figure too does not have any statistical significance. Ever since we started the “fire” about 2 million years back, the oxygen level has not come down. Today even after 9 billion people are burning so much energy, Oxygen levels are still at 21%.

Scientist: Isn’t it true that at the time the Dinosaurs went extinct Oxygen had dipped to below 15% levels. I read that somewhere.

Me: Maybe that is true. But they were not burning anything.

Bankhead: We know that.

Me: We do not know the real reason for their extinction. What you say is the most likely. But that could have been caused by an unprecedented volcano or something like that.

LFW: So you say that we should do nothing about the ozone layer.

Me: Sir maybe not bursting bombs might help. Sorry sir for that tongue-in-cheek remark. But the truth is that building fuel-efficient cars and eco-friendly refrigerators is not going to help.

LFW: So who said that this was an unprecedented crisis?

Me: Sir that was you. And you are right. But the problem is not the oxygen. The problem is us.

LFW: Are we going to die?

Bankhead: Yes Sir, ofcourse. We are human after all.

Scientist: That is not what he meant. Will Homopeople be extinct?

Me: Since the Cambrian explosion.... (interrupted)

Military Strategist: Did someone say bomb?

Me: No sir. The Cambrian explosion was 550 million years ago, which initiated the birth of millions of species. Since then there have been mass extinctions approximately every 26 million years. Also there have been approximately eight to nine dominant species which have lasted for 50 to 80 million years. Reasons are not really known for their extinction. And although we would like to believe that the reasons were extra-terrestrial like meteorites the extinctions have been mostly local factors, not clearly known as yet. Maybe, they are as simple in most cases as Darwin’s theory of Natural Selection. (Looking at the economist) Something like what they showed in the X-men.

Economist: Brilliant movie. And now they are coming with the fourth version.

Bankhead: So we are safe for another 20 million years. That settles it.

Me: But sir, the population.... (interrupted)

BankHead: Enough boy. What about the population? How can we stop screwing each other? Let nature play its part. We will do ours by issuing carbon credits.

LFW: Next time, I want the agenda clearly outlined, just like the lunch buffet. We need to discuss the cooling of the Earth’s core.

(Lunch begins)

Scientist: Why don’t you eat the non-vegetarian stuff?

Me: I feel we should not be killing someone. We are lucky enough to be on this planet. We should behave responsibly. We are already the reason for the extinction of a billion species on this planet.

Scientist: Man is also an animal. The strong will kill the weak. It is the Law of the Jungle.

Me: After 300,000 years since Homosapiens came about I would like to think of myself as having evolved to more than an animal. And if I have to be classified as an animal, then I would prefer to be of the herbivorous kind. It is a philosophy some of us follow. But like they say “To each his own”.

(LFW walks up to me)

LFW: I am glad we gave you people the Visas to come here and make a living. You should thank us for that opportunity. Tell me, isn’t it a bit chilly here for this time of the year?

Me: Sir, that’s actually because the Atlantic Miticadal Oscillators.......(interrupted)

LFW: Forget I asked you that. Can someone turn down the air conditioner?